The Relationship With Writing
Photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash
Why do I write?
What is my relationship with my writing?
When I was younger, writing was a way to express myself. To get out all the pent-up emotions and frustrations boiling inside me. But it was also something very private. It was only for me — the deep, deep, deep down me that no one was allowed to see. Knowing that being seen by the world wasn’t always safe. I wasn’t safe to show myself. Or so I thought.
For me, writing was always associated with reading. Stories were my salvation, my escape, my hope, my teachers, my mentors. I fell in love. With characters. With worlds. With relationships, all penned on paper.
And then I reached deep down and recognized that I wanted to be a writer, or maybe even an author. That is, if I was brave enough to let my words out of the private prison, or sanctuary, that I kept them in.
I found that other authors, poets and writers — they were my people. My tribe. Maybe hiding my words was the same as hiding myself. For I was a shy, introverted kid. But there was this part of me that didn’t want to hide. Who wanted, no needed, to be heard and to speak my truth. Not for everyone else, but for me.
And so, the question was presented to me…what do I want in my relationship with writing?
The answer that emerged…
I want to change my relationship with my writing. I want to soar, I want to yell at the top of the mountain, up high, words pouring out of me. I resolve to beat that inner critique, like a ninja, like a kung-fu master, bludgeon it to pieces. Break it down and then build it up, into my own creation. I want to be brave. I don’t want to talk about it, but to actually do it. I am doing it. I want to believe it. I do believe. I have no choice but to believe.
Or I’ll just sink down into the mediocracy and talking it to death, the inaction of living my potential. The self-sabotage of my fear, the fear that ruled me, caged me, that tore me down. You see, my relationship to writing is my relationship to myself.
There is no separation.
The words are my ego, my fears, my humanness in this experience we call life.
The words are my soul, my higher perspective, the divine being trapped inside this living temple.
All of them belonging to and expressing through the same me.
When I am truly authentic in my writing, it comes from a place of trust that was carefully cultivated with my relationship with my words. Part of that trust was, and is, learning to surrender to the unfettered flow that’s from within. Practicing being open to become a vessel or even conduit for that inner voice. And being willing to listen.
And so, the words that come forth deepen my understanding of myself a little more. Allowing forgotten parts, or hidden parts of me to emerge. Sometimes new parts of me are discovered, expanding in the act of creation.
I want my relationship with my writing to be expansive, creative, beautiful, haunting, chaotic, resonant, emotive, and free.
I want to keep feeling that feeling of creative energy spiraling up into something new or reimagined. I want the highs and the lows of the weaving of the words upon the page, taking me on this wild journey.
Like all relationships, my relationship with my writing is an ever changing, ever evolving process, worthy of my time, my attention and my love.
And the journey of a writer continues…
Previously published on January 2023 on Medium.com.
© 2023 A.N. Tipton
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